#55 - The Mexican Wall

Apathy is the road towards great suffering.

When we are apathetic towards the processes that govern us, we unwittingly become participants in events that may totally be against our values.

So in an earnest attempt at encouraging folks to think and participate,

I would like to draw your attention today to the issues regarding building a 2,000 mile U.S./Mexican border fence.

Here is the information made available by Global Security.Org:

US-Mexico Border Fence / Great Wall of Mexico

and from a source on the other side of this issue:

US Proposes 'Great Wall of Mexico'

Below are the petitions for both sides of the issue:

Americans Against the Wall Petition

Petition Spot - I fully support the Mexican border wall

#54 - Crazy Making: When I Was Tiny (originally posted MySpace 11/17/06)

A young Brazilian model died yesterday.

She succumbed to an infection that took hold of her tiny body because she had anorexia.

Yes, she died of anorexia.

I looked at her photos.

She was beautiful.

And I hate myself for thinking as I looked...

wow, she is so beautiful.

I used to be tiny like that.

I guess the big difference had been that I KNEW I was too thin and I bristled at anyone in the entertainment field who told me to drop a few pounds.

I look at my son, Little Bear.

He is a healthy athletic 7 year old boy...

and just about 10 pounds shy of my own weight in high school.

Yes, I weighed 75 pounds, at 5'6".

My best pal, whom you have all heard about, Ellen, weighed more than me in high school and was treated for anorexia nervosa...

which she was eternally pissed off about until her dying days.

Hey, but her parents noticed and cared enough to encourage her wrath in order to get her help.

They scared her enough with that to keep her from toddling off of that out of control line ever again.

I went unnoticed because I dwelled in baggy clothing. I did not fuss about my weight, so I never drew attention to myself.
And I knew I was underweight and accepted that. What we all didn't know back then is that I was already seriously ill.

I had been playing music professionally since age 11, but as a church musician...

you have to be pretty darn covered up...

so I went unnoticed.

By high school, all the pals I wanted to hang out with were in theater, so that is where I went.

And I got attention.

Now I was being admired for looking so tiny in theatrical and dance costumes.

That was fun, but I was so ill and thin through the experiences, that it all is kind of a fuzzy blur.

I do remember the girls "admiring" my little shape when Danskins were worn.

And how hilarious everyone thought it was when someone decided to parody me (ala' comic strip style... sound familiar?) as a walking & talking stick.

I went on to college and continued to study performance.

And found myself getting cast as precocious children and pre teens because I did not look like a woman.

And I really resented that.

Got so fed up with being cast as a child at an age when I wanted to scream...

look at me!

I am a woman! ...

well, I left theater.

Transferred to study education and continued performing as a musician.

And then phtographers found me.

I finally broke the 100 pound mark, only to be told, "Well, you could be a 'face' model for circular magazines (the stuff crammed into newspaper ads), but you are going to have to lose some weight if you are going to model seriously.

That really pissed me off.

And I walked away from it all.

And watched my little pal, Ellen, perpetually shrinking as she continued on in the theater industry.

Do you have any idea what it is like to watch someone you love during the last months of her life worry over her tiny cancer ridden frame because she lost her "six pack"?

I know she had the disease anorexia nervosa, it happens to many, but I do blame the entertainment industry for making her problem ultimately worse.

I continued to be too thin, and was eventually told by a gastroenterologist that I was anorexic, but the qualifier here was that it was due to disease. No nervosa. I knew I was too small.
My body was racked with disease, the surgeons needed me to gain some weight before they could safely operate on me, and I was terrified of eating food because I would get so deathly ill after eating.

There is a difference.

What astounds me is how you can hide in plane sight while looking so sick.

My ribs jutted out, I had bony hips, and sticks for arms and legs, but with the exception of my mother...

no one said anything...

at least not to my face.

I did the baggy clothes shuffle.

Even when married (the first marriage... that was the crazy one).
My first husband's response when my weight skyrocketed down was "Gee, you look good thinner, you just need some muscle tone."

What the [bleep]?!

I finally had the reconstructive surgery done on my g.i. system.
I was born with an incomplete one and the doctors had to "rebuild" what was left.

They pumped me up with steroids and we waited and waited until my body said it was strong enough to undergo the work.
And I will tell you, a few days after that surgery... I ATE!

Happily and with GUSTO!!

The hospital folks were more than happy to feed me.

My body had been starving and my soul was rejoicing at being able to finally thoroughly enjoy food at the age of 29.

Upon release from the hospital, I went home and I realized how trapped I was.

My first husband did not like this whole "I want to eat" thing.
He hid any goodies that were brought to our apartment from well wishers.

I felt like I was in prison camp.

And because I was recuperating from surgery, I couldn't go down the stairs of the apartment, or hop in a car and whiz through a McDonalds.

And I was so humiliated to be trapped in such a relationship that I didn't tell anyone.

So I had to eat normal in secret, because believe it or not...

he did not like the changes in me.

It was a crazy making time.

And the thing is that as my figure actually turned to what it is supposed to be, hips, breasts, all the girly curves ...

then folks took it in their heads to notice my weight!

"Oh, you've put on weight!"

And, I was so unaccustomed to having a normal shape that I then became obsessed with becoming thin again!

I began to agonize over a scale, and fret over whether something made me "look fat", and I fell completely head over heels into the crazy making of society's worship of the impossibly emaciated thin.

At a time in my life when I should have been enjoying good health, having a normal shape, and thriving on renewed energy because now I could eat...

I agonized over food.

The whole ridiculous cycle broke when I left my first husband.

You don't like me the way I am?

You want to taunt me and verbally batter me day in and day out?

Too bad.

Not gonna take it anymore.

And after counseling and priest talking and a horrible attempt at couples counseling...

I left.

And I felt really good.

I put on figure clinging clothing and enjoyed the fact that I had some body fat.

And I attracted healthy attention.

The kind meant for a woman who actually looks like a woman.

And I attracted Jerry, for all the right reasons.

Because I felt good about myself on the inside.

And I was happy with how I looked on the outside.

And because we could laugh together and he loved me no matter if I was in a skirt and heels, or slumping around in sweats and fuzzy slippers.

And when the lupus finally caused me to crash and burn in 2003, being tiny no longer mattered.

Now it is about survival.

When I got tiny again, before the treatment for the lupus began in 2003, I was so ill that I could not give a fig about being petite and pretty.

I was miserable.

And the thing was, now I have been with someone who KNEW that something was wrong because I wasn't eating much and dropping weight.

Jerry took care of me and still does so everyday with a loving heart.

After the treatment started my weight has ballooned and crashed all over the place. Between steroids (which blow you up like a balloon), and chemotherapy (which makes you never want to touch food again) to the kerjillion pills I take these days which leave me sometimes bloated and sometimes back down to tiny...
I have learned the hard way that YOUR SIZE HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR HAPPINESS.

At least this is my reality.

When I looked my "best" I was being told to drop ten pounds to make that spandex look better

and at my heaviest weight...

I have had more energy and enjoyed life much more.

Our society is sick.

The message being sent to youth is sick.

Where do you think our chubby little cookie chomping darling Winga came from?

She is our rage against the "thin is in" social x-ray society at large.

The last food that Ellen and I ever shared together was a package of Oreo cookies.

I told her "Screw your weight, you have cancer dammit! What more of an excuse do you need to eat a cookie?"

She stomped into her kitchen, came out with the unopened mini packs of Oreos that I had bought her. Threw one at me and ripped open one for herself.

May I suggest if you know someone with an eating disorder, please. please do not wait until they are near death to start throwing cookies at them and telling them to wake up.
nuf' said.

Now I want anyone who reads this to go have a cookie...

hell, have a few.

Life is too short.

#53 - Name Calling and North Korea (originally posted in MySpace 10/09/06)

Well, now we know what happens when our glorious US leader knows nothing about diplomacy and spouts off calling a country ruled by a crazed man part of the "Axis of Evil".

North Korea succeeded in a nuclear bomb testing today:

North Korea Claims Nuclear Test: BBC

South Korea was able to measure the darn thing on a Richter scale.

Now we are in serious trouble.

My sweet child was born in South Korea. The people of South/North do not consider it so split ... it was supposed to remain one nation.

Little Bear's bloodline is ancient and traces back to his Korean roots.

Our "big plan" when we adopted him was to return to his birthplace when he was about 13 or so in order to give him the chance to reacquaint himself with his homeland.

Yes, well.

Back to the US president.

You just can NOT go around name calling leaders and expect nothing in return.

We in the U.S. should be concerned.

Seriously concerned.

Iraq was NEVER a threat to us.

They just happen to have oil.

And we happen to be a rather greedy gobble up the world's resources type of nation.
North Korea is impoverished.

Nothing sitting there that greedy US citizens would want.

So when the whole Axis of Evil sword rattling came out...

didn't anyone ever stop and think that Kim Jung-Il...

crazed synchophant, murderer of his own people, deity in his own mind...

well, didn't anyone ever think of the FACT that the people of North Korea are perfectly capable of building nuclear weapons?

Especially, when they are being held hostage in an Orwellian world, dislocated from the rest of the world..

thinking that their glorious leader rules the universe.

And even if they don't believe that...

North Koreans would never say such a thing, because they love their children and families and thought police do exist in nations like North Korea.

Say the wrong thing and you or a loved one may not be around tomorrow.

So you can't even do the good old American HATE those suckers! over this one. The North Koreans have been held captive and starved to death under this crazed dictator.

President Bush and his puppet (er... speech) masters slapped Kim Jong-il in the face with their words and now he is going to save face.

And trust me on this.

We are in deep trouble.

#52 - The Battle For Your Mind

Here is a quick read about hypnosis and some of the ways it can be used in television and other mediums:

The Battle for Your Mind

Definitely worth a look see.

..Loretta